By Maria Caso: Sometimes it seems everyone has a mommy but me.
My mom died 25 years ago. For me it has been so long that I usually forget — except lately. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started to feel this way, or the exact reason I’ve begun longing for her, except that I have started to have challenges with my tween daughter and my reactions to her are the same ones my mother had with me. It seems l am reliving my childhood through Havana.
No matter what I do I am always wrong. I look bad, I dress ridiculously, things are starting to droop, l’m simply just not cool. I am here to serve her. Period.
There are times I want to cry from the sheer pressure of bringing up another human being. Why is there no manual given to you at birth on how to raise a teenager? There are books out there but I did not believe them.
I remember a movie producer friend asking me: “How are you going to raise a child and work at the same time?” I remember saying: “Piece of cake. It’s just one kid.” How could I be so wrong? I really had no clue, and feel a bit stupid, and all this brings me back to my mommy, whom I miss so much.
Rita was not so great at her job of being a mother. I always blamed her for that. For not being cool enough, or pretty enough…all the things my daughter now says to me. Is she channeling the grandmother she never met?
My mom lives in heaven, which is no help to me here on earth where I really need her. But when I close my eyes and feel her energy I always say” “Mommy, I am so sorry I wasn’t appreciative enough of all the efforts you put forth on my behalf. And I want to apologize for not being a better person to you. You did the best you could with the resources at hand and I think I turned out pretty much okay.”
Same thing I hope my daughter Havana will say one day about me.
I miss you mami Rita.
Maria Caso / Life coach / Single Mom in Manhattan